I'm allus reet fed up at Christmas

Tha'll allus find me in a nark

It's allus wet, cawd or it's foggy

Thar jus' gerrin' wom when it's dark.

 

Shops are all full o' mad foaks

Tryin' their 'ardest to spend

As if there will be no tomorrer

As if'n the worlds beawt to end.

 

There's pushin' and shovin'

An' foarks typin' o'er

Childer are skrikin'

An' crawlin' on't floor.

 

While in all confushun

Owd mon it gets worse

Some blasted pickpocket

Runs off wi' wifes purse.

 

Ahm cussin' an' swearin'

Wifes turned aw grey

"Sit thissel deawn lass

I'll get thi some tay".

 

" I don' want no fussin'

Ahm aw reet I think

Let's goo where it's quiet

An' get us a drink".

 

We walked in this pub

I fancied a jar,

I'd bin theer ten minutes

And couldn't see t' bar.

 

So sick as a parrot, we set out fer owm

Get away fer the din an' the fuss

Whan I undid aw shoppin' I feawned

I'd left aw eaur presents on t' bus.

 

I've med up mi' mind, ahm stoppin' in t' heawse

Wi' t' telly an' turkey an' t' beer

A  fire wouldn't cause me to stir fer this place

Till I hear aw t' church bells fer New 'ear.