The warmth, the hum, the music

Playing low and deep

The gentle buzz of voices

Sending me to sleep

 

I start to dream, within my mind

It's over I have died

Stood outside the pearly gate

St Peter close inside.

 

`I'm looking at the evidence

Of all you've done and said

A record of your lifetime

Considered now you're dead'

 

`For all sins you've committed

And the ones you've tried to hide

There is no seat in heaven

You have no place inside.'

 

`For you will be a punishment

More than words can tell

You're spending all eternity

In a place far worse than hell'

 

`You will be taken from this place

Today for evermore

To wander through all time

Within a ladies store'

 

`A tormentor assigned to you

Forever on this frolic

She devil name of Jezabel

A manic shopaholic'

 

St Peters gone, I'm whisked away

Despondant in my gloom

I now am in the centre

Of a never ending room.

 

Rows and rows of dresses

Hanging down from racks

Blouses, skirts and jumpers

Jeans & pants & slacks.

 

I feel a deep set panic

Rising through the haze

I try to run, to get away

Escape this endless maze

 

There's Principles and Debenhams

Wallis, Next and many more

Marks & Spencer by the hundred

And Top Shop by the score

 

I cannot take much more than this

My mind and head are swimmin'

I look across a heaving sea

Of mad shop crazy women

 

Then I espy the dreaded sign

That causes men to panic

Change women into she wolves

The quietest turn manic

 

The dreaded word of `SALE'

Dangles from the ceiling

A look into each woman's eyes

Show a killer feeling.

 

My devil drags me through each aisle

Through every `Blue X Sale'

Forced along each counter

Handcuffed to her tail

 

Next the greatest dread of all

Men's nightmare situation

Women know how to inflict

The greatest humiliation

 

Behind the curtain, changing rooms

Moaning, grunts and sighs

The sound of 14's trousers

Forced over 18's thighs

 

My mind now clears, the store has gone

St Peter by my side

`I owe you an apology

I'm afraid your record lied'

 

`I missed a vital paragraph

When reading your report

I failed to notice that you spent

Four years on Income support

 

He put his arm around me

And gently rang the bell

`Come with me lad, into heaven

You've had enough of hell'

 

I could hear a voice a'calling

My dream had gone- no more

I was sitting in a changing room

Within a Wallis store